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King Kong
The EWW episode of the 2005 remake of King Kong. Transcript # Monkey symbolism. # (in Depression-era New York City, a man is standing on one steel girder of an under-construction building reaching high above the city) Heights. # (a man takes a half-eaten apple out of a trashcan) Trash apple. # Also, this is an orgy of evidence that we are in a poverty-stricken era of New York City's history. # (two kids are playing stickball in the street as a police car goes by) It's old-timey New York, so obviously... stickball. # (another shot of the under-construction building is shown, higher up than before) Even higher heights. # Geez. I think I would rather have three or four minutes of just opening credits than have this bulls*it generic old-timey New York City bulls*it. # Foxy boxing. # (Ann is dressing up as a vaudeville performer with a mustache) "First glimpse of real main character buried with stupid old-timey New York City montage" cliché. # Wanton destruction of delicious booze. # (Ann tosses her hat in the air but it cuts away to it already on her head) Peter Jackson had to do this zoom-cut because Naomi Watts couldn't actually land the hat trick. # (a balding man is seen sitting in front of his makeup desk) Discount Brooks Hatlen. # (a man is heard saying, "As long as we're laughing, we won't cry over the box office.") No, what you'll be crying over is The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe thumping your ass at the box office. # (one black man examines Ann's book, "Isolation" by Jack Driscoll, and she tells him it's a play) Either this actor guy doesn't know this obvious play is a play, or Ann thinks the guy doesn't know that this obvious play is a play. # Movie wastes the first ten minutes on a character who is arguably not even the main character of this movie. # (Carl Denham is seen with a hairpiece) This hairpiece. # (Carl says, "I'm real good at crappin' the crappers.") # (Carl talks about a girl named Fay, who is a size-four, but Preston tells him she is doing a picture with RKO) Ha, ha. Original King Kong reference. # (Carl tells Ann that Jack is turning in a draft of a script for her to read) The screenwriter just happens to be the same guy who wrote the play Ann was reading at the beginning of the movie. # Also, if this penniless vaudeville performer wasn't already a dedicated fan of the nobody author writing Jack Black's screenplay, then we'd pretty much be f*cked for ever kicking this King Kong movie into gear. # (on the Venture, Jack tells Carl that he is three hours late for an appointment) Why is Driscoll even hanging out on the boat then? All he had to do was drop off the script, and he could have had Carl's assistant Preston get that. If he had no intention of ever leaving on this trip, why did he show up on the boat? # (as the boat starts to move, Jack runs to the edge but misses the dock, much to his anger) If the choice is jump in the water and swim a few feet or stay on a boat for weeks that you didn't want to be on... f*cking jump, right? # (police cars pull up to the edge of the pier) These cops took forever to get here after we first heard they would be showing up. # If only there was some way the cops could catch that boat... oh wait... New York had established a harbor patrol unit well before the setting of this movie and should have easily been able to catch it. What am I thinking? # (on the Venture, one crate is labeled "Sumatran Rat Monkey") Modern kid-friendly CGI Peter Jackson pays homage to earlier, more daring Peter Jackson movies. # (Captain Englehorn asks Jack if he is a lion or a chimpanzee) Geez, you just met this guy. How do you go from zero to dick-measuring asshole in two seconds? # (a closeup of a bottle of chloroform with the word "Chloroform" written in huge letters) Easy to read label is easy to read. # (inside a cell on the ship, Jack types on a typewriter) I'm calling bulls*it on Jack having a typewriter. He didn't bring one, this boat is used for illegal activity and probably didn't employ anyone who can type, and I doubt Carl would have been thoughtful enough to carry one onboard. # Did Driscoll ask for a history on Jimmy? # (Ann is rehearsing a line of hers in Driscoll's play in front of a mirror) "Rehearsing how you're going to talk to someone you really love in a mirror" cliché. # (Lumpy the ship cook stands there, smoking a cigar) Andy Serkis is playing a human being in this scene. # (Ann tells Jack that he doesn't look at all like his photograph) Wait, she's seen a picture of Jack and she made the enormous leap that this was him? # (Bruce Baxter is holding a comb over his lip like a mustache) In a 3 1/2 hour movie, we DEFINITELY don't need this bulls*it. # Also, this comb. # (Jack references "The Island") This 2005 film reference. # (Jack is typing on his typewriter, saying the letters as he types them) Be sure to spell it out so Jimmy can hear it! # (Jack and Ann have a brief moment together on the edge of the ship at sunset) We interrupt this King Kong movie to bring you Titanic. # Why does anyone trust Carl Denham? He hasn't paid any money to anyone this whole movie, and now a captain who fears for his safety going to Skull Island is just going to do it because of the PROMISE of money. # (Lumpy tells everyone that the boat turned southwest last night) Why would this boat turn southwest? Didn't they launch from New York? That means an easterly direction for most of the trip, unless they decided to travel south from New York, and then west through the Americas, but then you would never really have to turn southwest after that—and that trip would be suuuuper long. # (Lumpy tells about a castaway he found with a knife in his heart) This castaway who survived a shipwreck, a giant ape, and drifting at sea for days was a huge bundle of exposition before he decided to kill himself. # (Jack said it was in the script and then said that it's not about words) Really? Can Jack be in the eighth wonder when it's somebody about a gorilla named Kong? Nobody wants to let me and the audience see anything in the script. # (During the kiss scene in the ship, an operator receives a message) It's just now having a receiver? That's amazing! Maybe the operator can take forever to be mistaken for a typewriter and not mistaken for morse code. # (when Carl asks Hayes if we're changing course) I know, right? Because the ship went the wrong way instead of looking back. # (Carl is informed that there is a warrant for his arrest) You're just now getting this message? You've been travelling for...however long it takes for a boat to go 9,000 miles! # No one notices this obvious skull on the map before. # This ship Plinkos its way through the rocks without sinking. # Boat that spends weeks searching for mysterious secret island gives up and heads for Rangoon, and of course, that's how they find the secret island. It's screenwriting 101, really. # How did Carl convince everyone to get on this rowboat after the ship had wrecked? And not only that, get qualified personnel to help lower the boat and put it out to sea without anyone seeing before it was too late? Every single person on this boat, including Jack and Ann, said, "Yeah, let's shoot a movie! Our only hope to get home is stuck on some rocks...f*ck it!" # Movie rips off the "rock formations look like the thing the movie is about" thing from Cars. # (one man, in glasses, is impaled by a spear) The natives are dicks to Poindexters. # Also, the natives randomly kill this one guy, but for the rest of this scene, grab each person one-by-one and take them to some head-chopping place so that the captain can save the day later. # (King Kong is heard roaring) It takes a full hour before we even HEAR King Kong in the King Kong movie. # Hayes is definitely on the ship when Kong roars, but then somehow he and the rest of the crew show up with guns, literally 2 minutes later—and that's with all the in-between footage being slowed down. There's no f*cking way they got from the ship to here in 2 minutes, considering how long it took Carl and the actors to get here in the first place. # (everyone on the ship seems like Carl's idea of donating his proceeds to Herb's wife and kids) Seriously, you believe that s*it? How can everyone around Carl be this f*cking stupid? # (a native pole vaults across the rocks) Pole vaulting. # Jack sees the necklace and says, "Yep, a native probably pole vaulted onto the ship." # Then he asked this random guy doing important work where Ann is, instead of just going to her room, the most natural place for her to be right now. # Did this native guy have a GPS of where Ann was? And how did he get onto the ship and run past everyone undetected, kidnap Ann, & go BACK through the ship with an unwilling participant, not once run past Jack, who found this guy's necklace and is LOOKING FOR HER, tie the rope back around himself and Ann, and swim back while keeping his hostage alive while being pulled by these helpful people back onto the island? # It takes 1 hour and 10 minutes for King Kong to show up in a movie called King Kong. # Also, s*it...in the original, King Kong had already kicked a bunch of dinosaur ass by the time this movie even shows him. And we've got 2 more hours to go for some reason! # (Jack shouts out random commands) Unnecessary orders. # Getting thrown by a trike tusk merely inconveniences Jack. # Lumpy managed to bring a frying pan during the mad rush off the ship to save Ann. # So many f*cking dinosaurs. King Kong is a secondary character in his own movie. # Also, Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler...welcome...to Jurassic Park. # (Jack pronounces Carl's last name as "Den-HAM") After everyone pronouncing the name Den-um the entire movie, and this actor having working with Den-um on previous pictures, it's suddenly Den-Ham. # Polite debris. # (Carl is being chased by a stampede of brontosauruses but suddenly trips and falls as the herd comes at him) "Character falls down while running away from danger" cliché. # If the brontosauruses are not about to stomp on Carl here, then don't show them about to stomp on Carl, then have an entire exchange between he and Jack, and then pretend like the brontos are still the same distance away that they were before. # (one character, seen under rocks, gets up and runs as one dinosaur lunges menacingly at him) What the f*ck is this asshole doing? Sleeping under all these heavy rocks in case someone takes cover here? # The ship and film crew all survive the annual running of the dinosaurs. # Also, running of the dinosaurs. # (Jack bumps into a dinosaur in the stampede, causing it to fall down in the dinosaurs' path and mess them up) All Jack had to do was slightly nudge this ferocious beast to send it flying. # (a brontosaurus accidentally knocks a sailor off a cliff; he lets loose with the Wilhelm Scream as he falls) There goes that scurvy dog, Jimmy Wilhelm, dying another height-related death. # This is like Blues Brothers...with brontos. # AND everyone survives the dinosaur pile-up? I mean, this is the same movie where a dude died from a single spear to the chest. So it's not like this is a cartoon universe where injury and death are impossible. And yet... IT IS!! # (Carl reiterates to Preston his plan of donating the proceeds to Herb's wife and kids, and Preston looks upset) Only now does Preston realize what an asshole Carl is. # (King Kong is shown) Andy Serkis isn't getting nominated for an Oscar in this scene. # (Kong knocks Ann to the ground) King Kong is a dick to his dinner. # (when Ann told Kong if it's all there is and isn't anymore) Well that's not silly, because that is not even a reenactment scene of the franchise Jurassic Park. # (swimming through the water, Jack is chased by a giant piranha) Giant piranha is only satisfied if it eats its prey whole. # (Jack swims away from the jaws of the piranha through a huge gap) So...the giant piranha thing can't swim between these two gaps here? # (about Jimmy and Hayes) Why does this movie spend so much time on these two? Jack and Ann aren't even as developed as these two. # (Hayes tells Jack to get Jimmy out of danger) Yeah, save Jimmy above everyone else! He's the blondest! # (everyone hides in a log which falls down and wedges in the mountain gap, leaving everyone to drop only a few feet to the ground) Oh give me a f*cking break already! These assholes all fall off this log only after the drop is reduced to a few feet! # (gigantic scorpions crawl over Ann's body) CGI giant bugs. # (then the scorpions scatter when a Tyrannosaurs Rex comes in) Ann is saved by this spare T-Rex that was walking around. # (King Kong is fighting a bunch of T-Rexes, while holding Ann in his giant hand) We interrupt this King Kong movie to bring you the kind of King Kong movie you actually wanted to see... but only for a few minutes. # (in fighting the dinosaurs, Kong drops Ann, who lands on a muddy hill and slides down) Geography savior. # Also, sudden, steep mudslide through rocky island terrain doesn't cause Ann any injury whatsoever. # Surprise T-Rex would rather be scary than eat Ann right now. # You know, for all Ann's been through in this movie—she still looks f*cking dynamite! # What's better than 2 T-Rexes? THREE T-Rexes! # (the crews are fighting a bunch of gigantic bugs in a cave) You know...this scene is perfectly fine. Nothing in general sinful about it. It's just...s*it, I am giant-monstered-out in this movie. We've just hit the 2-hour mark...can there really be another hour and 20 minutes to go? # (Jimmy fires a machine gun at a bunch of bugs that are attacking Jack) Jimmy shoots blindly and hits the insects but doesn't hit Jack. # (the bugs just keep coming, in larger and larger swarms) More CGI giant bugs! Jesus, if it wasn't for the quality actors and the director's pedigree, this would basically be one of those Brendan Fraser Journey to the Center of the Earth movies, right? # Peter Jackson's giant arachnid fetish. # Wimpy actor guy suddenly has the balls to swing on a vine with a machine gun to murder giant scorpions. # Man, Ann must have gotten to take a shower and go to the hair stylist twice since we last saw her. For someone who slid down a muddy hill and fell into water, her appearance is incredibly resilient. # (Ann looks up at King Kong) Stockholm Syndrome. # (Carl says that Ann is not dead and that Jack will bring her back) Carl is both insane and right. # Miraculous escape made possible by convenient stupid bats. # (Jack and Ann meet on a cliff where they are menaced by giant bats) Is it impossible to go back where you came from? Sure, there were bats there...but all the bats are fighting King Kong right now. # (Ann and Jack make an escape from Kong by clinging to one bat's wing, weighing this bat down) What!? # You just got out of a river! # (the ship's crew, a large crew, all tie down King Kong with ropes) How are there this many sailors left over after all the ones who got eaten, stomped, drowned, or thrown off cliffs? # (one sailor throws a canister of chloroform at Kong, knocking him out) Longest chloroforming scene ever. # (Carl says of Kong, "The whole world will pay to see this.") They'll have to come to the island then...because there's no way this giant ape is lifted onto the boat, or that there's any room for him. But this is a detail the movie will skirt, obviously. # (Carl describes Kong as "the eighth wonder of the world") Just like The Lost World: Jurassic Park, this movie still has a whole other movie to show you after they get back to the mainland. # Wait, Jack was writing this comedy play for Ann while they were on the boat, and then the whole King Kong Island thing happened, and now they're back, and either Denham has been sitting on his King Kong reveal for a long time, or else the lowly playwright managed to get an entire production funded, cast, rehearsed, and opened in, like, days. # (Jack gets up from his seat in the theater) Playwright is a dick to his own play. # No doubt about it...this theater is HUGE. One question though—is there a giant entrance for King Kong to fit through to get into this theater? # (a song-and-dance number is performed in the theater) I'll offer advice to anyone planning on making a 3 1/2 hour giant ape movie. Don't put scenes like this in at the 2 hour and 40 minute mark. It will put everyone right to sleep. # (King Kong rampages through the stage, crushing people in his path) Wow, Kong sure knows how to kill characters that aren't the main characters. # (Kong rampages through New York City, knocking over vehicles and picking up one woman) Hey, it's times like these when I wonder what's going on with Jimmy, the thieving deckhand who was reading Heart of Darkness. Too bad Hayes died. # (Ann and Kong meet in the street, which is deserted and devoid of anyone else) Stockholm Syndrome. # Also, the entire city evacuated in order for King Kong and Ann to have their reunion. There's not even one accidental f*cker driving through this right now. # (holding Ann in his hand, Kong slides across a frozen pond in Central Park) Oh, romantic ice skating in Central Park? We interrupt this King Kong movie to bring you Serendipity, I guess. # (in the back of an army truck, one solider tells his fellow soldiers, "It was built for humans BY humans. Not for stinkin' lice-infested apes.") Jeez...did the soldiers need propaganda to get in the mood to fight a giant ape? # Also, humans, man. Humans are bad. # (the soldier says, "We cut its ugly head off and we ram it up the...", but then Kong comes by and tramples the truck) Well, I'm glad the movie took the time to set up that joke. # Discount authorities. # (as morning breaks, on the roof of the Empire State Building, Ann and Kong are spotted by one airplane from a distance away) Ann is nearly invisible at this distance, especially with the sky in the background, but the pilot decides he sees a woman in white anyway. # (the plane opens fire on Kong) Nope, we talked it over and decided, "F*ck the girl, we're shooting." # (the sun is rising) Wait, sunrise? I mean... what the f*ck time was Carl's big King Kong reveal stage show then? Did it have a start time of, like, 4am? # (Kong having fallen off the roof of the Empire State Building, Jack had climbed up and he and Ann embrace) And then a small gust of wind picked up and blew them to their deaths. # (Carl says of King Kong's death, "It wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast.") Or the runtime of this movie. Did you ever consider Kong died of old age? # (while the credits are rolling) Did Peter Jackson direct this movie? And where are the executive producers? Movie Sin Tally: 128 Sentence: Dinner (On board the Venture) Category:EWW Videos Category:Videos